Spiritual Burnout

These past 2 weeks have been hard for me spiritually. Not because I stopped loving God or I walked away from him, but because somewhere along the way I started losing myself while trying to pour into everything and everyone else. My group HEART Ministry has been doing 5:30am group prayer calls where we war only in our spiritual language. At, first it was only supposed to be for seven days. Then it got extended and now it's been going on for almost 3 months. And while I know prayer is powerful, I've realized something about myself I can no longer ignore.

Before these calls started, my 5:30am mornings belonged to me and God. That was my personal time with him. That was the time I would be in the shower and pray over my house, pray over my children, pray over my husband, pray over my family, pray over my books, my purpose, my ministry, my job. That was the time I repented, the time I cried, the time I released everything bottled up inside of me. That quiet intimate time at 5:30am wasn't just routine for me or a group activity, it was relational. But lately my mornings have become more focused on praying for everything else: the nation, the president, our pastors, other people. And by all means I am not saying that is wrong or that I have a problem with it. But somewhere in the middle of all that, I started feeling disconnected from God personally.

I've been running around so much, constantly doing, constantly pouring, constantly showing up, that I realized I haven't truly sat with God for myself in a long time. And If I am being honest, I feel spiritually exhausted. There are moments where I feel like I can't hear His voice clearly anymore. Moments where I don't even want to pray or how to pray. Moments where I don't feel His presence the way I used to. I literally haven't read my bible in almost 3 months, and for me that's not normal. It finally got to a point where I had to admit that I needed to take a step back because my heart posture wasn't where I needed it to be. I was in a space where I'm constantly pouring outward while inwardly feeling empty. I needed to back away and realign myself with God. I needed to hear Him for myself. I needed to be honest with Him about where I was and what I was feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

What hurts the most is when people misunderstand that. They tend to hear your words and not your heart. What I need people to understand is this: When I'm in that mental and spiritual space, I don't need you throwing scripture at me without first understanding my heart and who I am. I already know the bible. I already know prayer matters. I already know this walk with God require sacrifice, but sacrifice shouldn't mean pouring until there is nothing left of me. The Bible talks about rest too. And somehow, in certain spaces, rest gets treated like weakness. The moment someone says they're tired, overwhelmed, spiritually exhausted, or emotionally drained, the response immediately becomes:

• You need to pray harder

• You need to stay on fire for God

• You need to keep pushing

• You need to keep going

• You need to stay focused on the assignment

And it's frustrating because people assume exhaustion means you have left God. What they fail to realize is, I came to God before I even came to you. I have already cried privately. I've already wrestled with these feelings. I've already been trying to figure out what's happening inside of me. So, when I finally open my mouth and become vulnerable, I'm not looking to you for a spiritual lecture, I'm looking to be understood. People need to understand that sometimes the strongest thing a person can do is admit:

• I'm tired

• I need rest

• I need personal time with God again

• I need to heal privately before I continue pouring publicly

All this means is, right now, more than anything I just want my relationship with God back in a real personal and intimate way. I need to reconnect before I lose myself completely in expectations, responsibilities and the noise surrounding me.